Thank God for my temperament?

For the first time, I believe the cell group has witnessed and experienced a mood swing or tantrum from me(whatever you call it and define it) on Saturday. I’m not exactly proud of what I did but well, I suppose I was angry, frustrated and irritated over certain matters so I kept quiet – this is how I normally react to situations when I get angry (or anything negative). I’m not as vocal as Ms Humble nor Ms Friendly and neither am I confrontational so I just kept quiet. This is how I react most of the time at home as well. I felt keeping quiet was the next best thing. Whatever I said or wanted to say would probably be very hurtful so yeah. Only just before we started P&W, Ms Humble turned and asked me what was wrong, and I uttered a few words to her.

During P&W, I was just wrestling with my thoughts and asking God how to deal with it because I just felt so…alone. I was also dealing with certain idealogies and paradigms that I had since young and I couldn’t make sense of it. It came to a point when I felt so defeated and told God “I can’t worship you”. The next minute I felt guilty for saying that and told Papa that I want to try to worship Him, ESPECIALLY when I felt this way. I teared a little but at the end of P&W, I was better.

After cell group, everything was almost back to normal – I was quieter but better than where I started from (someone did comment that I was VERY quiet and not normal but I just managed a weak smile during cell group. I noticed that the girls were writing notes to each other as well. I kind of knew that they were discussing about me but I didn’t really bother as well). Only during dinner, I was my normal self (I think).

I only managed to speak to Ms Humble about it after we sent BZD and Mr Zammie home on Saturday. Yesterday after our date with Mr Zammie, and after sending him home, Ms Humble and I had another chat about this matter. I suppose I’m glad we talked about it.

I wanted to highlight to her that when I’m feeling such emotions like anger, irritation or frustration, I deal with it by keeping quiet. Different people deal with it differently. Some people verbalise it, some people talk through it, some people cry. These are just a few of the ways people react. I know for myself that I internalise it (and simmer off thereafter). I’m not saying this is the best way to deal with it, but this is how I deal with it (for now at least). I knew that I changed the climate/atmosphere of cell that day and I knew that Ms Friendly (even Ms Humble) was frustrated that I did so because I “shouldn’t have” done what I did but hey…I’m only human.

I just couldn’t “pretend” that I’m feeling fine when I wasn’t. I’m still learning how to deal with emotions in a more positive manner. I was also telling Ms Humble last night that she kept calling me “emo” but I was trying hard already. I mean, with the help of God I am much less emotional now but such things/actions take time. And after she warned me about certain things like how she would react to certain things (like how she would return that attitude with her attitude if my cold action persisted), I told her that words really CAN build or do otherwise. I told her not to call me “emo” anymore.

I remember one time when FIL was staying over at my place in Melbourne and FIL was astounded that I was “not myself” but I just having one of those times when I just didn’t wanna talk (not that I’m angry or frustrated, I just didn’t feel like talking, or putting on any ‘mask’).

Sometimes when I’m tired I keep quiet. Sometimes when I’m angry, I keep quiet as well. Sometimes I just don’t feel like talking (for no reason). But just let me be, I’ll be fine in a while and talk to me after that. It’s probably just me or my personality to do so. I’m not a sanguine like what many think.

Anyway I deviated.

Thank God that well, Ms Humble and I chatted about this. I suppose it was good because it cleared up certain things.

Thank God for……………movies!

Over the weekend, I watched two shows namely My Sister’s Keeper as well as Julie and Julia. This guy’s hot! Hahaha… Anyway note to self in the future that I WANT A NICE COSY HOUSE/ROOM LIKE JULIE…hurr hurr! I don’t really want a big house, just a nice cosy place. Maybe have a cat…or a dog, or both! ANNNDDD Julie’s and Julia’s husbands were so supportive of their other halves, it’s amazing. They were so crazy for each other as well. Anyway both shows were pretty good.

One thing that came to me when I stepped out of the movie on Sunday was man, you can really get a guy through food. As they (I’m not really sure who the “they” is but anyway) always say, “a way to a man’s heard is through his stomach”. What about a way to God’s heart?

Harry gave me a decent answer. So did Ms Humble. They are so cute together! Hurr hurr!

Okay…last random thing…………… actually I can’t remember because…it’s too early in the morning. Time to get cracking at work!

Thank God for random-ness again

I’m so sleepy. I couldn’t sleep for a while then I settled down and asked God to let me sleep. I had a pretty good sleep. The only thing I could remember from my dream was that I went on a holiday to Melbourne with Ms Friendly

I get excited over sitting on an MRT seat for just one stop. Sheesh!

Problem after problem, I think it’s time to go see a doctor. Maybe tomorrow, after early morning prayer meeting and just before the Marketplace prayer meeting. I was rather amused by Ms Humble’s horror when I told her I rarely pray for myself in terms of well, illnesses etc. Hur hurr…I just tend to…forget?

Most of the time, when I’m in the toilet, I would pick up visible pieces of tissue. I would get a little embarrassed especially when people are around. One time there were two ladies, and it was REALLY dirty and messy. I was contemplating so hard about this then I thought to myself what the heck and picked up the tissue. I think it took the ladies by surprise. One even turned to me and said “some people just don’t know how to keep this place clean, huh?” When I left the toilet, the two ladies started chatting…about me! So wierd I tell you. I remember one person commenting and saying “So sweet huh, this girl?” Wierd…wierd I tell you.

In the aspect of BGR, I think Ms Humble knows about 70% of my heart. Wait, maybe 60% come to think of it. Hurr Hurrr… She’s 50C no more! Anyway I’m glad she didn’t ask about that guy. It’s just wierd to think about it.

More random stuff? I’ll probably meet Mr Scientist when he comes back. I replied. And even though it’s silly but for the sake of my friends, I will meet him! Hahaha!

Wow…Harry is VERY detailed and chiong hei but I thank God for this brother of mine! I wrote him and asked him about some stuff and I was pretty overwhelmed by the content…so much to read! They really make a good pair….hurr hurr

Okay…time to meet my other half – Ms Humble.

Thank God for one of those days

I was having lunch with FIL when FIL was actually telling me how exciting going to Hong Kong was to work etc. I was and am really happy for FIL. Yet at the same time, I have this tinge of envy (maybe even jealousy) that FIL could go overseas. During lunch with FIL, FIL also asked me whether I wanted to go overseas. I WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. I’ve always wanted to travel elsewhere, see the world, do something more than what I’m doing now but i know now is not the time.

When I was younger, especially after I graduated, I wanted to work in anywhere except Singapore because I didn’t like being at home, or the thought of being in Singapore (one of the reasons why I came back was because of Skywalker). But thank God, I came back because coming back was a contributing factor of me turning back to Him. Now, thankfully my reason(s) for wanting to go overseas has evolved and it’s not because I want to run away.

Previously I wanted to leave because of a push factor – family. Now ironically, my pull factor to stay is ALSO because of family. When FIL asked me that question, immediately one person (among many issues/things) came to mind – Esau (nick for my brother). I mean I know now I cannot go for many reasons like Esau (I don’t even know what needs to be done in this aspect), but in my heart sometimes it comes back to mind, I suppose, that I do want to travel and see the world.

Maybe it’s just me being young, idealistic. Maybe it’s because FIL’s impending departure triggered this again. Maybe I’m just being some envious friend.

Well…maybe it’s just one of those days. BUT I suppose I still want to praise Him for everything else that I have. I don’t want to take that for granted. Thank you Oh Lord for EVERYTHING that I have and I pray that I would be able to once again TRUST in You for everything and bring me to wherever or whoever in YOUR timing. I don’t want to even step out 1 degree out of your will. Help me abide in you. Amen

Thank God for your peace, which I desperately need

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts (Psa 139:23?)

Today as I was walking back from the toilet, I felt in the Spirit to keep reciting that verse “Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding…” – I’ve been feeling a little uptight and uncertain over a few matters. I really need God’s grace for this. I really need to almost say this aloud that I should trust in in ALL circumstances. I was reading the RBC website (my usual routine in the morning before I start work proper) and I saw the above verse in bold and thought it spoke to me. I think I need to constantly ask God to search me and reveal certain corners in my heart where I’ve been collecting dusty, unnecessary anxiety or certain thoughts which just…hmmm I don’t know.

God I need you!

Thank God for practical jokes

After having dinner with Harry and Ms Humble at Tampines 1, I told Ms Humble I still wasn’t feeling too well. So Ms Humble forced convinced me to make a trip to the doctor’s. Initially the doctor suggested something which TOTALLY cracked Ms Humble up. Before he could even finish his sentence, I told the doctor it was NOT possible. If I had known I should have scared the crap out of Ms Humble but especially for such things I thought otherwise. Anyway finally the doctor suggested that I see a specialist and go for a blood test for whatever suspicious symptoms I had. I suppose when I have my medical card, I’ll do so. For now, I’ll probably leave it be…and pray!

Thank God for Shoemaker!

We can’t expect to experience the fruit of God’s blessings if we don’t recognize the importance of doing our part.

It helps to follow the example of others who have sown good seed. Author Samuel Shoemaker said that a good example can either inspire us or cause us to say, “Oh yes, he (or she) is like that. He is not troubled by temper or nerves or impatience or worry as I am; he is just a happier temperament.” Shoemaker continued, “It may not occur to us that perhaps he had to fight for his serenity, and that we might win if we would do the same.”

So, are we going to fight for serenity or something that you are lacking? Ask God for it, ask Him for the grace and strength to do so! With Him, indeed ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Thank God for the tearing of robes!

I have been reading 2 Samuel for the past few days in the train. Something caught me – something insignificant, I thought at least, but something caught my attention nonetheless. I kept reading in the Old Testimony about the tearing of robes and it’s funny because I found it hilarious that people would tear their robes. I mean, can you just imagine these people screaming at the top of their lungs, and ripping off whatever they had on? I think it’s funny but of course I can totally imagine the pain (maybe not totally, but to a certain extent) that they must have gone through. Then I started to text some people like Ms Humble, Ms Mentor, Harry, Mrs Shrek and S2 about the tearing of robes. It’s just interesting to see the significance of this action, especially in the older days. I came across this website that gave a perspective that frankly I wouldn’t have thought of, because all I thought of, or the first thing that came to mind when I thought about this was anger, hurt, irritation but there’s more to it. I quote from :

These things comfort sometimes, but really only mask the pain.

I was reading in the Old Testament last week and I noticed the term “tore their clothes” more than a few times. Very interesting thing to do, if you think about it. Tearing, or destroying something that is designed to protect you! Each time I encountered the term it was a symbol of great mourning, or sadness. I would argue that when we are truly sad in today’s culture we want more protection, not less, more culpability, less grieving. Would anyone really tear their $85 Brooks Brothers shirt?

The symbol of them tearing their clothes is actually a very beautiful thing. I picture David (2 Samuel 1:11) standing before God with his outer (physical) protection torn, damaged and ragged, weeping and fasting in sadness.

Not blaming anyone, just sad.

It reminds me of wrestling with my kids. We wrestle (or tickle), and when they know they are beaten or they just can’t take anymore they say “Daddy I Got Nothin”. They know that physically they can’t do anymore, so they surrender. As soon as they surrender we just hug.

They know that they have my heart. And I love them.

I like the idea of tearing my clothes because sometimes the process of grieving is just standing naked before God with no protection, with no one to blame and just weeping. We live in a fallen world and God weeps because of it.

So today, I am tearing my clothes (figuratively) and crying out, Daddy I Got Nothin!

Interesting huh? Harry and Ms Humble came back to me. Harry said “The few times I know – for grief, or anger. To show the severity and the impact. For the priest I think it is an esp big thing cos I believe they were elaborately adorned. Once torned, it is difficult to mend back (maybe not possible) hence the severity“. Ms Humble said about the same thing as well.

I shall google more about it this week because it’s really something that I want to read more about.

Anyway time to get back to work and finish up because I want to be in church on time!

Thank God for hearing me whine (from time to time)

We had the ginseng/herbal chicken today but it was just OKAY. I think the herbal chicken which beats this place sits in church – You should try Hua Li Xuan Restaurant along 11 East Coast Road (in Odeon Katong). It’s really not too bad and DOES NOT have too much msg because I’m slightly allergic to it.

Thank God for food anyway huh?

And thank God for using Harry to pass me the song that I wanted!!! I texted him last night and asked about this song since he should know most songs sung in church (and I was lazy to turn on my silly, slow computer). He emailed me a small compilation of songs which included the song that I wanted (ie I’ve got the joy). When I opened the attachment today, the first song that appeared was this song I was searching for – I was looking high and low for it FOR YEARS. I tried searching for it online (through google etc) but to no avail because I could only remember one, two verses of the song. He’s indeed faithful. I was whining to Papa about it a couple of times because no one could help me (not even my CF friends in JC, nor the cell). I would like to share this song with you because it not only has a really nice tune, but I just love the words. Amazing how God answers my prayers only after years (He never forgets):

FAITHFUL GOD

VERSE:
G
I serve a God who is faithful
C
And He will never fail
D
When I’m in the desert
C G/B Am G
He’s a River of hope
Am G
I serve a God who is faithful
Bm7 E
His faithfulness prevails
Am D G
Lord, I put my trust in You

CHORUS:
G Bm7 C
I serve a God who is faithful and true
Am D G
I will hide in the shelter of Your wings
Em Bm7 C G/B
For I find my rest in Your faithfulness
Am D G
Yes I serve a faithful God

BRIDGE:
Eb F
And no matter what this life may bring
Dm Gm
Heartaches and pain
Eb F
And through it all I’ll turn to You
C/D D
And call on Your name

Thank God for…ginseng chicken!!!!

My mind’s a little blank now because I have no idea as well! Gah, it’s just one of those days where I can’t think I suppose. Have you ever gotten those days where whatever you say sounds like ramblings? I’m experiencing one of these now.

Anyway I can’t wait for lunch because I’m meeting Ms Humble and we are supposed to go to this Taiwan snack place for lunch. We had their fried chicken chop (did I spell that right) rice pack yesterday. Today we’re trying something different in that place – this ginseng chicken soup because someone commented next to us, that it was one of the best. Sooooooo…..

*excited*

Ms Humble’s here! I’ll write down the address in my next entry.

Note to self: to write about the toilet incident with two ladies.